"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
