hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
