You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.