Your face is a jimmy john
I got chris browned last night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.