I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
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I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.