How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.