I will die if light touches me.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
