I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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