Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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