i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
