He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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