A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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