seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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