So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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