I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
someone threw a dead crab at me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
