Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i will never coherently bang her
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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