Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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