i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
