our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He has the fingertips of a God
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