If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
