In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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