Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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