Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
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This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize