Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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