What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
