It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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