Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
