My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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