i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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