ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
