I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
