I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
