my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
