my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
