I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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