What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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