my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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