I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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