so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
