I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
