i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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