When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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