I will die if light touches me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
