saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
