call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
