new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
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What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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