In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
