its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
