Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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