my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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