Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
