Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
