So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*