i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.