I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on