Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
