just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
