I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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