When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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