i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
